Fading Light of Lost Dreams | Generated by AI

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Question: Translate the entire essay “Lights of Aierke” (or “Aierke’s Lights”) by Ba Jin into English.

Answer:

Aierke’s Lights
— Ba Jin

At dusk, guided by the gradually fading last rays of sunlight, I passed by the old residence I had left eighteen years ago. The street and the building began to hide from my view, as if avoiding a long-lost old friend. Yet their altered appearance still felt deeply familiar to me. I recognized them, just as I recognized myself.

The street was still as wide, the houses as broad. The towering gate walls had replaced the peaceful vats and stone lions; the pair of smooth-backed male lions we used to ride had vanished into some desolate mountain. But the gate stood open, and the four characters “Chang Yi Zi Sun” (“May it long benefit our descendants”) were still embedded unchanged on the screen wall, as if even their color had not been eroded by wind and rain.

Gazing at that same screen wall, I was seized by a strange emotion. It seemed as though I could see the past nineteen years here—no, as though I could search for the distant old dreams from eighteen years ago.

The guard at the gate looked at me with suspicious eyes. He did not understand my feelings. He could not recognize the young man from eighteen years earlier. Yet with his gaze he drove away many intimate memories.

Darkness fell. My eyes lost everything. Then lights came on inside the gate. The lights did not illuminate anything; instead, they deepened the darkness in my heart. Disappointed, I had to leave. I turned back the way I had come.

After walking four or five steps, I suddenly turned my head to look at the building again. There was still only a faint ray of light amid the gloom. It was as if I saw a bowl full of hope shatter instantly upon hitting the ground. In pain, I cried out in my heart.

On this quiet street of a modern city shrouded in night, I seemed to see the lights of Harish Island. That must have been the lamp lit by my sister Aierke. She used this light to guide her seafaring brother home. Night after night the lamp shone at her window. She waited until death—waiting for that brother who had gone far away to return. In the end, she entered the grave with disappointment.

I had been running outside for eighteen years. I had never spoken to anyone about my sister. Only occasionally in dreams did I see Aierke’s lights.

A year ago in Shanghai, I often dreamed with my eyes open. I gazed at the distant lamp shining at the window. In front of me stretched a vast sea; the light called to me. I wished wings would sprout from my sides so I could fly there at once. The heavy dream pressed on my soul. It felt as though I were struggling with many invisible demons. I stared at that light—the road was so far, and I had no wings. I had only one longing: to fly! To fly! Those days that tormented my heart! Those terrible nightmares!

Suddenly, in the field ahead, amid the green broad beans and yellow rapeseed flowers, I seemed to see another ray of light, a brightness. This was still the light I often saw. It could not be the light from Aierke’s lamp—my poor sister had already died. This must be the lamp of my own heart. It will forever show me the path I should take.

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